I Thought It Was Love
by VeneficaMelody
Summary: Not following the storyline of Bebop; Spike is leaving Mars, and breaking Julia's heart. Rated for suicide.


**I Thought It Was Love**

Day was breaking over the horizon as Julia stepped onto the balcony of her apartment. No--it wasn't her apartment anymore; Vicious had paid for all of these extravagances. She didn't need a bigger apartment with a balcony--where she had been living at before was good enough. Was it only that Vicious wanted to show off his promotion within the syndicate ranks by getting everything that was "good" for his woman? She grimaced, gripping a cup of hot tea in her hands. 

"Why can't I live my life the way I want to?" she whispered, sadness reflecting in her eyes. Ever since she had first seen Spike Spiegel--who had been Vicious' best friend at that time--she hadn't been able to feel the love she had once felt for Vicious. After her feelings for Spike had refused to fade, she finally realized that what she felt for Vicious wasn't really love. 

And what he felt... Well, that was another story. Letting loose a heavy sigh, Julia noticed a figure walking down the street toward her apartment complex, a single red rose gripped in a hand. She laughed bitterly. Was that man going for a secret tryst with a lover--or trying to get back in his wife's good graces after making her mad? Julia sighed. Vicious had never shown a bit of love... 

She was a woman who needed to know that her man cared, and Vicious had never done that. But Spike... Although not good at showing his feelings, he had still made her feel loved sometimes--when he wasn't focusing on something else. 

Sometimes Julia really felt that she didn't have all of Spike's heart--that she was sharing it with someone, or something. But he would never speak of it to her, even if it was true. Hearing a knock on her door, she turned and headed for the door, sitting down her cup of tea on a table before peering through the peep hole. "Spike!" she exclaimed, unlocking the door and opening it quickly. "What are you doing here?" she asked, gazing at him. 

He held out the just-bloomed red rose in his hand, saying nothing. She accepted it, blinking. "I'm leaving," he muttered. 

Gasping, Julia's eyes widened. "Wh-what?" 

"I'm leaving Mars; I can't stay here anymore. I thought you deserved a goodbye." 

Julia stepped back, unconsciously gripping the rose until the sharp thorns bit into her hand, drawing blood that she barely noticed. "B-but why? I thought...we were going to run away together. We were going to leave the syndicate, and this life behind us. Why are you changing your plans now?" 

Spike shrugged. "Plans have changed. Don't take it so personally." 

Her lip trembled before she forced herself not to cry. She couldn't appear weak in front of him. "Why have they so suddenly changed? It doesn't make sense, Spike. You said you would always love me--or was that a lie?" 

He moved into the apartment, shoving her backwards, and closed the door behind him. "Don't cry; that's not going to change my mind. I'm leaving, do you understand? You can't stop me." 

Julia stared at him. "Can't stop you? No, you're right, I probably can't. But won't you at least give me a chance? I love you..." She paused. "Did you ever truly mean it when you said 'I love you' or was that just a lie, too?" 

Spike laughed. "Are you trying to make me feel guilty? I don't have any reason to stick around here--there's nothing left for me on Mars. If I stay, Vicious will probably kill me." 

"So you would just leave me? You would leave me with Vicious?" 

"If you're strong enough, you'll leave him. Why did you stay with him even when you fell in love with me? That was weakness, my dear." 

She stared at him as he walked over to flop down on the leather sofa Vicious had supplied. "Why did you let him buy you all this expensive stuff; set you up in this place?" 

"I... What choice did I have? You know how Vicious works... You can't just go against him--that would mean death." 

"I'm defying him," Spike reminded her. 

"You're running away!" she burst out, glaring at him. "How can you do that, Spike? I thought I actually meant something to you." 

He propped his feet up on the glass-topped coffee table, surveying the apartment with a casual eye. "You like this luxury Vicious is feeding you?" Digging in his shirt pocket, he came up with a pack of cigarettes and drew one out, placing it in his mouth. Taking out his lighter, he lit it and exhaled the smoke. "If you like it, I can't offer none of this crap to you. Could you live without it? I'd be living on the run, Julia. Not a life for someone like you." 

"On the run from the Red Dragons," she commented dryly, moving to sit in an armchair. 

She looked at him sadly, watching him smoke. Why did he always hide himself behind a smoke screen when she wanted to talk to him? "What is it?" he grumbled. 

"Wh-what?" 

Julia blinked at him, not used to him speaking to her in such a harsh tone. "You're thinking of something that's bothering you. So what is it? I can't read your mind, you know." 

She bit her lip. "I... I was just wondering if 'love' means anything anymore. How can it? You're leaving...even after you told me you loved me." 

He got to his feet, sending her a harsh look. "I used to think you were this strong, unwavering woman. What happened to her--the one I fell in love with?" 

Julia's chin rose in defiance. "She realized that being strong doesn't protect you against anything. It isn't stopping you from leaving." 

Spike laughed. "Do you think you can wave some sort of magic wand and keep me here? There's nothing left for me on Mars, Julia. Can't you understand that?" 

"Isn't my love good enough?" she cried. 

The man sighed, rolling his eyes. "Do you have to cry like a child? When did I say this was permanent, huh?" 

Julia stared at him with hurt eyes. "But you said...you'd love me forever. Doesn't that mean anything to you? How can you just leave?" 

"Easy," he replied. "I told you I can't stay on Mars any longer. And I can tell that you won't leave Vicious. Why give up this life of luxury? Besides... You'd just slow me down." He got to his feet, walking over to peer out the window. Taking a drag on his cigarette, he exhaled slowly. "Did you ever think that maybe the choices we make are because of some pre-destined fate?" 

She grimaced. "Is that your way of trying to pin your desertion on 'fate'? Not very smart, Spike." Getting to her feet, she picked up an ashtray and, walking over, set it down on the table near where he was standing. 

"Don't want me to get ashes on your lover's nice carpet?" he sneered. 

Julia's mouth tightened in anger. "_You_ are my lover," she said softly. 

Spike turned to her, no feeling showing in his brown eyes. "If I stayed, what do you expect would happen? It wouldn't be all 'romance and roses,' Julia. We're part of a large syndicate--we would never be free." He stubbed out his cigarette in the ashtray, glancing at her coldly. "Besides, there's no guarantee that I'll still love you tomorrow." Julia drew in a sharp breath. "I could wake up hating you. How would you take that? Would you scream and harp like an old fishwife?" 

She took in a deep, ragged breath. "So you're not even going to try? You're going to give up on our love; run away?" 

He shrugged. "I wouldn't think of it as giving up. More like, taking a new step in life." 

Julia bit her lip, holding back her tears. She wouldn't give him the satisfaction of seeing her cry; of knowing that he was hurting her to the core. Maybe that was what he wanted--for her to hurt. "Then why did you come here?" she asked, her voice oddly detached. "You could have just left without a word; it would have been easier for you." 

"I...thought you should know." 

She laughed bitterly. "You don't care a bit for my feelings, Spike. Maybe you never did. If you did care, if you loved me the way you said you would, you wouldn't be tearing my heart from my chest this way. Can't you see the pain you're putting me through?" 

"It doesn't matter anymore," he said softly. "I don't really care anymore." 

Her eyes widened. Was he really leaving her; giving up on their love...? Turning, Spike walked toward the door. As it opened, she cried out, "I love you! How can you just give up on me? I've always loved you--I would have given you everything you needed. Even if we didn't have much money, even if you failed at anything, I would always have been there to support you. I would have always been by your side and loved you. My love was that deep. Didn't that mean anything to you? Didn't you feel the same?" 

"No, I didn't." It was uttered quietly, harshly just before he slipped out the door. 

"No!" she screamed, picking up an expensive vase and flinging it at the door. As the slivers tinkled on the carpet, she stumbled over to the window, looking out. Finally, she saw Spike moving away from the apartment, as if he didn't have a care in the world. Julia fell to her knees, sobbing. Finally her head raised, eyes red-rimmed and face droopy. "My heart has been ripped from me," she whispered, her words breaking on a sob. "How could he have been so heartless? I thought he loved me... Didn't anything we shared mean anything to him?" 

Catching sight of the clock, she was amazed to see that she had spent two hours crying. How had she done that without realizing? Stumbling to her feet, she dragged herself to the table, looking down with blind eyes to the gun that lay there. When Vicious had given it to her, saying she would never know when someone would try to break in, she had seen it as menacing--something she didn't want to be around. 

Now, she picked it up, testing its weight in her hand. _'Can I?'_ she wondered. 

Julia stumbled over to the sofa, sinking into the soft cushions. Her mind was whirling, and she didn't think it would slow down anytime soon. How could Spike be so callous, forgetting how much they had meant to each other? But, no, he had never really loved her. If he had loved her, he wouldn't have left. He would have stayed, and kept their love alive. 

Sighing, Julia pulled back the hammer on the gun. "What does it matter anymore?" she murmured. "My life is over now, without Spike. He's probably far away by now. And he never truly loved me, even though he said he did..." 

Compressing her lips, she steeled herself as she placed the gun against her temple and pulled the trigger. Outside, a flock of doves flew up from the rooftop, startled by the echoing of the loud gunshot. 


End file.
